I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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