...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
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if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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