I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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