My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
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In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
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I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
do nipples grow back?
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