My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
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I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
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I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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