dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
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you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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