I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
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Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
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Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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