yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
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Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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