if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
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i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
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In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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