my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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