I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
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Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
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When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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