God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
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Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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