So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
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I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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