mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
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i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
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I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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