3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize