Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
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She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
So squirting runs in the family.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
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Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
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