I just gift wrapped bread.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
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I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
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"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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