note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
These tits shall not be calmed
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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