I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
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How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
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Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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