On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
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There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
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let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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