drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He called his prostate his "boner button".
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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