Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
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pop tarts are not kleenex
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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