Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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