Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
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He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
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Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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