Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
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Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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