I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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