This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
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want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
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Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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