I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
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Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
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I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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