You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
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Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
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We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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