my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize