her facebook's as public as her vagina
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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