it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
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obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
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Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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