I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
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I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
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My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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