i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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