I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
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I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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