When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
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my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
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We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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