Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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