Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize