no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
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My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
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He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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