Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
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I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
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Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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