if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
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When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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