Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
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Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
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When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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