Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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