he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize