Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
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she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
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Do I have a choice?
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Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
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And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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