sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize