You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize