I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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