What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
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So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
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In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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