What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
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I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
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You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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